Saturday, February 23, 2008


Q: I'm a woman in my early twenties, and have had two serious, long term relationships (don't worry, this is actually a sex question). About a year into each of these relationships, I found my sex drive drastically declining (no, neither time did I go on or off any medication). Sex morphed into an obligation, rather than a loving or fun act. I also found myself, both times, itching for sex outside of the relationship, though I never pursued it. Is this a common occurrence in women, or am I such a closeted swinger that I didn't even know it myself?

A: Ah, sex and relationships. the bread and butter of the Sexology industry. Don't worry, ma'am, I'm here to help on both fronts.

Sex in relationships is a lot like sex outside of relationships. It's really hot for a while, you can't get enough of the other person, and then WHAM you see her pick her nose, or you see the skid marks on his shorts, and the veneer is...less shiny.

What you are experiences is the very normal experience of seeing the skid marks. the drive declines when we start tp see the other person as an, um, PERSON, instead of the oh-my-god!-he's-amazing-and-sooooo-funny-and-what-an-amazing-lay-and-I-can't-wait-to-have-his-babies-! - person.

Not to say that you're doing that, but the very natural drop off in chemicals that you are experiencing can happen anywhere from 6 months to 18 months. Then things will hit a groove, and the person starts to look attractive again for a couple of years, and then around the 3-5 year mark, BAM, there it goes again.

Human sex drive is a pesky thing. It comes and goes for no reason. And if we have other issues that have plagued us (not that you said you did) such as intimacy, trust, or baggage from previous relationships, it can seen like it never ends.

What;s AWESOME about your e-mail is that you see a pattern. Seeing a pattern means you can break a pattern. You can anticipate a pattern. You know that (like many humans) you have a point where the sex drive becomes more of a sex neutral. And that at that point, a new car looks interesting. You also know that chemical rush you get at the beginning does go in ANY relationship. And it would with any car you got behind the wheel of.

HOWEVER, you may also be a lovely breed of human known as non-monogamous. Lots of different labels that essentially mean is that whole you don't fit into the classic monogamous mold that has been shoved down our throats our entire lives. And there are a TON of people that fall into those categories as well. Look up being in the lifestyle for more information.

All in all, don't worry about these issues. the ebb and flow of desire is normal. It's a regular thing even for die-hard monogamists. Which you might not be.