Thursday, August 30, 2007

Who da Ho? Craig's da Ho!

There seem to be lots of "HO"s in Idaho this week. The one below...

Or the one below that...

Here I was all ready to publish my in depth experience into the sexy side of the Motor city, when what should happen , but this guy!! And let me tell you, Sen. Larry Craig is NOT what I want to be talking about. Hell, everyone else on the planet is talking about him. And I have no desire to get in on the action. HOWEVER, when a man has to solicit in a public place for sex...
or their intern pool
(that's Mark Foley if you don't recognize him. And if you have no idea who he is, you should)

Or have an anti-gay voting record, and then come out of the closet.
(that's Spokane Mayor Jim West, y'all)

then I have to take a wee break from fetish wear and have a little fireside chat moment with everyone.

*As i take a moment to fluff my smoking jacket*

We should not try and fight our biology. Never, never, never. It leads to some dark places.

Or in Senator Craig's world, a bathroom stall.
NOW I know that there will be some who think that I am saying serial killers should just go out and kill. BUT you would be big, fat, WRONG-O, my friend.

I feel that people should be able to talk about their desires and urges, that they should be honest. It is illegal in America to lock someone up for being gay. If a serial killer gets help, and reaches out before things go haywire, perhaps all that senseless killing could be avoided.

But back on the gay tip for a moment. Old men should come out of the closet everywhere! i know it's scary to do something that can change your life, but for god's sake, what EXACTLY is the better alternative????

Hell, think about how my parents felt when I told them I wanted to be a sexologist and open a dildo store for women? I would have been more popular is I told them I was an old gay man.

I think that if old gay men would be a little bit more like this one...
ex-New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey

The world would be a better place...

Thursday, August 23, 2007

run, little birdies, RUN!!!

Now, I am not a huge fan of pigeons...


on my recent trip to Hamtramck, MI my friends told me about a lovely plan the city has to reduce the pigeon population.

Say it loud, say it proud.


Yes, the little darlin's will be pecking away at birdseed laced with aviary ortho-trycyclin. Yummy.

And their not the first ones to try it.

And why would I blog about this on my sex question blog??

Because, dear reader, as much as the feathered rats with wings are the bane of many a city park, once a pigeon gets dosed, there's no stopping it from heading up the food chain.

AKA, dead pigeon becomes cat food, cat pees in yard, Down came the rain and washed the pee into the ground...out came the sun....and soon COULD we all could be using contraceptive without even knowing it?

What would the Catholics say then?

I wonder if Margret Atwood was thinking about pigeon contraception when she wrote The Handmaid's Tale?

And who are we to encourage contraception in BIRDS, but tell young women that it's immoral to use it themselves??

Just a thought...

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Overheard at dinner....

"I suppose I could write off a Ford F350 to the business, but that would be a LOT of dildos!!!!!"
-me, to my mom. She is *so* proud!!!

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Teacher, can I get an extension???

****I must preface this by saying that I drank a red Bull. I drank a Red Bull. I drank a Red Bull. and for those of you who have done this, you know exactly what I mean.*********

Q: you are taking tooo damn long to update your blog. Elizabeth-Hadley, I've got one for you. My boyfriend is a little on the "short" side. Do penis pumps work?

A: I know, I stink. Opening the physical part of WINK is taking up all my valuable sex question-answering time! I will be flogged later. And I promise not to like it.

This is a penis pump. Say "hi" penis pump!


So, Mr. Penis pump, do you work??

"well, that's a tricky question. If your goal is to draw as much blood into your penis as possible, then yes..."

Sort of like a hickey for your penis???

"I was talking here."

Sorry, I just...

"Yeah, well don't interrupt me. It's incredibly rude."


"But to answer your question, YES. I am much like an all-over hickey for your penis. I will draw a lot of blood into the shaft, as much as it can take, and then I will stop working."

Ah, I see. So, what if a man is shorter than the average bear? Or thinner?

"Well, Ms. sexologist, I would assume YOU would know that there is no average size or girthwhen it comes to penises. That's just a feeling that men experience because of visuals in contemporary media."

Wow, for a penis pump, you are really smart.

"I went to Harvard."


"No, idiot. I'm a penis pump."

right. Good point.

"HOWEVER, for men who feel they need a little extra, they do make products called penis extenders. They look like this:

That's a pretty realistic extender...

"Yeah, that's my cousin. We're pretty proud."

As well you should be.

"the penis extender is a latex condom -like device that rolls over an erect penis and has an inch to two inch mini-dildo tip on the top, thereby extending the penis. It also comes in models that extend the girth of the penis."

can the man attached still feel anything?

"It's like wearing a condom, and some even come with ridges on the inside for his pleasure."

I'm not sure you can say that. It's trademarked by Trojan.

"Screw Trojan. I'm a penis pump."

Alrighty, then. Thank you for coming on our blog here and explaining the difference between a penis pump and an extender.

"It's always great to be here. Oh, and Elizabeth?"

Yes, penis pump?

"Stop drinking Red Bull."

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

She's BACK!!!

and badder than ever!
(That's me driving...)
I have returned from my sexual exploration of Detroit and Chicago, and have SO much to tell everyone!!! Those were some seriously sexy cities!!

Also on the upcoming radar:

-premature ejaculation DOES NOT exist!!!

-Just what IS a penis extender???

-Pigeon contraception

-The latest sex research from our 7th favorite state, Texas. 'Cause everything's bigger in Texas!!

-My review of sex shops in the Windy and Motor cities...


Thursday, August 2, 2007

Overheard at dinner...

(Though I am technically on vacation this week, I couldn't resist)

Proving once again that everything is dirtier with me around...

"I played with my Kraken in the bathtub."
-Yes, he was referring to the toy.