Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Dream, dream dream dreeeeeeeeam!!!
Q: Ok, I have a question. I am 24 years old and have had 3 girlfriends, and whenever I have sex or masturbate I can't have an orgasm unless I'm imagining that another guy is having sex with my girlfriend. The problem is I don't WANT to be turned on by the thought of another guy having sex with the girl I'm seeing.
I want to be turned on by the idea (and act) of ME having sex with her. I have scoured the internet looking for ways to change/treat a fetish, but haven't really been able to find substantive information. Which is what led me to you.
What specific techniques/actions should I undertake to bring myself to a place where I'm turned on when it's just the girl and me?
A: Boy oh boy! Are YOU lucky that I'm back on the relationship wagon! And now that I am, I've got the answer for you. Yup. Right here in this envelope. In my front pocket.
Before I give the envelope to my lovely spokesmodel...I'm gonna jump out on a limb.
What exactly is the problem again??
I mean, I understand the basic premise. You have an attachment to a specific fantasy, and it helps you orgasm. And until the point you allow yourself to thing about your girlfriend (in the Yiddish) schtooping another man. and, I assume, you'd be making her feel lovely the entire time up until that point. So, let me ask you a series of question?
Why do you feel bad about this? Is it because you think that you are "supposed" to be turned on by your partner? Do you have ANY idea how many women use fantasy to achieve orgasm? And how little it's about their partner? And how they couldn't give a flying fig? That's right, I said it. Fig.
What I'm trying to say, is that for many, many people, fantasy play IS the way that they achieve orgasm. You are not alone. You are not weird. This is totally normal. You're just the cool one that spoke up.
If that's not an acceptable answer, if you're looking for an actual "cure" for your fantasy world, it's going to take some form of therapy. It's going to take you working on breaking the cycle of fantasizing about your partner with other people. Which means you're gonna have to tell her. You will have to involve your partner in this process. It can range from very basic conversations and monitoring the situations, to more invasive aversion therapy. I am NOT a huge fan of aversion therapy, but you can find out more information on it here.
In your original e-mail, you also mentioned some more information about some additional issues that you have surrounding this particular fantasy. You should know that this may evolve into a full-blown reality. AND there's nothing wrong with that. AND (since I have no idea where you live) there are many, many communities that can help you look into it in a safe and supportive community. You see, you are not the only one. Not even close.