Friday, July 27, 2007!!!!!

Q: My partner and I want to make amateur porn, maybe even send it out on the Internet. I had a friend that did it and made 20.00 for a 20 minute video! What do you think???

A: Holy Paris Hilton, Batman!!! Well, as long as you're not a senator with a presidential future, here goes....
*******I am assuming that this is a legal, of-age person. dare you? People don't think about sex until their 18!! Or so I've been told...************

1. first thing is first. Is this a fantasy that both of you are into? Are you both of legal age? No one wants trouble for what should have been a fun act. Video always leaves a trail. Remember that. Your pervy grade-school chum WILL find you. Trust me, little Petey is now a grown-up perv.

2. After talking to a few failed film majors (like myself), I found out that LIGHTING is EVERYTHING!!! As any woman will tell you, florescent lights are the tool of the devil. So dim 'em, a regular side table light isn't enough. So get creative with the lighting and your camera. do it in advance of feeling hot and frisky, so it doesn't slow you down.

3. For your first foray into the wide wonderful world of porn, stick with someone you know and trust. Remember, you're ostensibly making it for your enjoyment later with them. Do NOT bring in any outsiders. It WILL backfire!!!

4. Is everyone tested for everything under the sun? I mean STI's, not the common cold. Nothing will make your piece of tape bittersweet like a trip down memory lane that make you remember your first bout of Chlamydia.

5. I do not recommend you ever sell your tapes to any websites. All fantasy play is about control. And that's how you lose control. You don't know these people, you don't know what they will do, where you will go. Feeling safe and comfortable is to fantasy like peanut butter is to jelly. Good separate, but great together.

6. Make 2 copies. If the two people involved break up, there must be a pact to destroy both tapes. If one person is being a bastard, the other has a wee bit of leverage. Not that I'm that type of person, but...

7. Now go play! there are so many ways you can have fun with this.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

These words came out of MY mouth!!!

"How do you fuck a wall??"

Yes, even sexologists have questions. Really, really easy questions. Asked at dinner parties, in front of lots of close friends.

The answer, is (of course) a dildo with a suction cup on it.

Duh, Elizabeth-Hadley...

Turns out the humility corner is really pretty. Lots of butterflies and a hammock and EVERYTHING!!!

Monday, July 23, 2007

Rimming around those rosy cheeks...

Ahhhhh, nothing makes me happier than starting a week with an anal question...

Q: I went down on my partner and my tongue made it's way to their anus. Now they want me to "go there" all the time. What gives? Is licking someone's butthole safe?"

A: Let me introduce you to your friend the anus... This one is made of chocolate, but you get the idea.

The anus and the (***fancy word for the day alert!!!) perianal region has about a gazillion nerve endings.

I know, very scientific of me...

Here's the thing about those nerve endings. They are very, very, very close to the surface. So a little flick of the tongue, a light touch with a lubed up finger is gonna feel pretty darn good even WITHOUT penetration. Some people thinks it's too intense, and prefer to not be touched there at all.

But if your partner likes is, here's some tips to make it a little more fun for everyone involved.

-As the popular children's book says, Everybody Poops. clean and safe are the words of the day. If your not an enema person (lord knows many people aren't), may I suggest a dental dam for your pleasure? If it's a spur of the moment thing, (and I defer to the grandmother of all sex-perts, Sue Johanson), grab a piece of plastic wrap to keep things clean. The crinkling may throw you off, and be a wee on the funny side, but Sex and laughter is AWESOME!!!

Now let me introduce you to my friend Hepatitis A:
Gnarly looking little guy, huh? And how do you get to host Mr. Hep A? Mouth to poop contact.

Just something to think about. So lick on, my friend, lick on...

And off into the world I go!!

Let the world read this!!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Wi(t)ch hunt shall we go on now?

I had a happy little question about rimming, but then someone was kind enough to send me this link to what is happening just over the state line from where I am.

It's really, really scary.

I'm still trying to find information on this subject, but here's the jist.

1. The National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families has set up shop in my area and has opened a grand jury.

2. The grand jury has been formed to decide what is obscene and what isn't in Jackson, Johnson, and Wyandotte county.

3. They have signed a petition against 32 strip clubs, porn stores, and video stores in the Kansas City metro area.

Now here's my question...

Who are they and what jurisdiction to they have?

On what ground to they get to legislate morality?

And when did witch hunts come back in fashion?!

I respect everyone's right to believe whatever they want, but how do we allow anyone to decide what's moral and what's not? And with morality being a relative idea, why do we decide dildos and porn are wrong in the USA in the 21st century, but not at the turn of the 20th? Or in Europe right now?

I just don't get it.

Back to analingus tomorrow!!!

Monday, July 16, 2007

When is a dildo not a dildo?

Q: What is the difference between dildos and vibrators??

A: Ah, young grasshopper, you have much to learn. And boy howdy, have you come to the right place!!

This is a dildo:
This model, known as the "Randy Purple" is a classic dildo. Notice it's girth. Notice it's fairly stagnant nature. It's pretty straightforward. Grasp firmly, insert in appropriate hole, pull out.

Now, this is a vibrator:

Looks a little like our friend Randy, but has the difference of a small motor inside the base, which makes the whole thing buzz.

Now let's make your geometry teacher happy, shall we?

This is a Ven Diagram:

Let's say the right circle is vibrators, and the left side is dildos. Sometimes, a vibrator can be dildo shaped, but sometimes it's not.

Sometimes it looks like this:

Or this:

and PLEASE don't try and stick this up in ya:

So kids. Here's what we've learned.
1. Sometimes a dildo is just a dildo.
2. Sometimes it can be a vibrator as well.
3. But sometimes a vibrator is NOT dildo-shaped.
4. Geometry IS helpful!!!
5. Your geometry teacher would faint right now if they knew what you were doing.

This week is catch up on questions. So look for lots of updates!!!!

Thursday, July 12, 2007

The Hitachi Magic Wand will buff your clit into oblivion!!!!

not really...


This is the magic wand:

and it is a lovely tool. Tons of advantages to this one, kiddos.

-It plugs into your wall. that's right. No running out of batteries on this one.
- Lots of different attachments, for different kinds of fun.
-Lots of settings that can take you from "awwww, yeah" to "OH MY GOD" with the mere flick of a button.

But, as in many a Harry Potter sequel, the good does not exist without the bad.
Or the darkside, depending on whether your pre-Gen X or not.

For, dear readers, if you spend too much time on the wand, the batteries won't die out.
Nor will it look up at you and say "Um, I think that's enough for today."

So, over time, and if you and up using it for, oh, let's say 8 hours at a time, your clit can feel a little aboused.

But fear NOT!!!

The clitoris is a lovely little nub that bounces back in no time!

Just treat it like a sports injury.

No, not Icy Hot.

PLEASE no Icy Hot!!

Give it time to rest. Put the wand away. Please, step away from the wand. Go back to a little manual work. Say hello to your hand again! Make friends. Just give it a little time.

And no, you cannot become addicted to your vibrator. You CAN become obsessed with a vibrator, but an addiction must imply harm. There's a great article here.

So be happy, be healthy, and vibrate away.
Just take an occasional break, k?

Monday, July 9, 2007

Orgy ettiquite 101

Q: What would you consider proper orgy ettiquette? please tell us your sex-expert thoughts on orgies.

A: Woah. A sexpert! I feel like miss USA with a dildo-encrusted crown!

And maybe i shouldn't use the word "encrust" with dildo ever, ever again.

There are definite rules and regulations when it comes to group sex. Let me don my little referee outfit and get to the task!

1. the first rule to remember about sex is that it is a powerful act. Not in that "mama is moralistic" way, but in the way that it releases all those lovely chemicals into your system. (see "Friends With Benefits" below) So know that you will be releasing them into your system. But, if you're in the orgy, that's probably the point.

2. Be careful about recreational drug use. Sometimes it can cloud your judgement just enough to think it's really a great idea to have unprotected anal sex or anal then vaginal sex. Feces in your vagina is never a good thing.

3. Make sure everyone is alright with it. Most people are, but once and a while, you have someone who accidently fell down the rabbit hole and is now trapped in "Alice in Wet-Naked-Slipperyland". That can be a very odd place to be.

4. If you are heading in with your significant other, make sure you are ok with it, and have a safe word or a time out scheduled to make sure you are still okay with it. If you are already chemically attached to another hman being, it can be a DOOZY to see them with someone else.

5. Know that you will come out a changed person. No matter how open you are to the experience, it will change you. Sometimes, not a bad thing, ust be ready.

6. Most importantly, BE SAFE AND HAVE FUN!!!

Friday, July 6, 2007

Afraid of nipples....

Quote from a dinner party I was at this evening:

"My 3 year old daughter doesn't need to know what nipples are for. She'll find out when she needs to find out."

Because nipples are hard to explain??

Just a pre-bedtime thought.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

When you bring your husband's underwear to work...

It's time to reasess what you do.

On the wire:

"LANSING, Mich. (AP) -- A state forensics scientist who said she tested DNA in her husband's underwear to find out whether he was cheating could be disciplined if investigators determine she violated the use of state equipment."

To read the rest of the article, you can look here.

Sort of like a crack dealer marrying a DEA officer.

Cheating Husband: "honey, what are you doing?"

Forensic Scientist Wife: "Um, nothing"

CH: " that my UNDERWEAR???"

FSW: *pause*

FSW: "no"

CH: "Hon, i distinctly saw you stuff my jalapeno pepper boxers in your purse."

***Sounds of a pair of patent leathers scrambling out the door, into the car, and heading to work.***

And that's why open dialogue is KEY in relationships!!!

I don't normally do this, but...

Happy 4th of July!!

Photo courtesy of Photo Casket.

I will see you all back her tomorrow!

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

That's what I get for using that new-fangled computer thingy...

Dearest readers!!!

I apologize for the site looking like gobboldy-gook for the last few days. But we are now up and running and ready to answer your questions yet again!

Thank you all for being patient!!!