when is a dildo not a dildo? When it's a dildo, of course!

Q: Where did the word dildo come from?? Why do we use it?

A: God, I LOVE the variety of questions I get! Thank you for making this the least boring job ever!
Let's get to it, shall we??

This is a dildo:
It's a peg that holds an oar on a small boat (dory)



So is this:
Making for some happy residents of Newfoundland...


And this:



They've been around since then:

(Just your average Paleolithic dildo)



And portrayed in art since this:
(those wacky Greeks)
And like the etymology of many words, it's now almost always this:

Or this:



Or even this:




Think of that! Regular, everyday words that we use could someday be turned into the vernacular for a sex toy!

Dare to dream!

Overheard at dinner....

"There are pink M&Ms for breast cancer. What color would obesity M&M's be?"
---A dear friend of mine, while we were holed up as a huge group at a tasty Italian joint on a cold winter night. there may have been wine involved...

Nookie not happenin? Stop stressing!!

Q: A friend of a friend of my neighbor's third cousin has a best friend that he rarely sees cuz he's a lame shut in who works too much.
Now he's afraid that she's gonna move to Minneapolis. What should I do? I mean him... what should he do?

A: Well, not being a relationship expert and all, I would have to say you're screwed. She's forgotten all about you and thinks Minneapolis ROCKS. But as far as i know, she has no intention of moving any time in the near future, so....

As a sexologist, I would have to dissect how all this wondering is affecting your sex life.

when you're stressed, several things happen to your body, and a LOT of them can affect your libido. That's right, all that stress can rid you of the warm fuzzies in your pants.




may I introduce you to our little friend, Cortisol.

Cortisol is a very important hormone made by your adrenal gland.
It helps you wake up in the morning.
It helps your blood move through the vessels.
It lowers your pain threshold
It tells you to get far, far away from the man in the mask with the chainsaw running at you RIGHT NOW!!!

Just Kidding.

BUT, if you're stressed for a long time, Cortisol can do a lot of craptacular things too.

It can keep you up at night.
It can make your bones weaker.
Catching a cold never seemed easier.
And that spare tire you're sportin' these days? that's no coincidence, babe.

SO, instead of stressing about your friend who is NOT moving to Minneapolis this week, this month, or this year, think about the beating your sex life is taking. Because being a fat, sick, tired, broken-boned fellow is seriously going to cut into your nookie time.

'Nuff said.

Back from the Twin Cities

And Boy do they ROCK!!

Not as much as Kansas City. Nope. Never. But pretty close.



And they have an IKEA!!!






Just a quick reminder that while I love you all, I am not a RELATIONSHIP expert. I can't help you with your relationship issues. But I CAN help with sex stuff. And I am more than willing to try.

SO

Relationship question, not so good.


SEX question, very VERY good.



I will be back on the blogging wagon as of later today. For as of right now, I must prepare to sully the minds of UMKC students. I will be guest lecturing in Harris Mirkin's Politics of Sex and Gender class from 2-3 today. You can find me there. Hopefully, they won't be afraid to ask either. But I don't think they will.

Don't forget to bag your giblets!!!

Hello everyone and Happy Thanksgiving my American friends!! It has been quite an amazing couple of months, and I couldn't have done it without you all and your insatiable lust for information. And vibrators. And condoms. Well, you get the picture. To honor the holiday at hand, I have decided to hunt down a sexological urban myth, and fiound some surprising answers! So eat your turkey, unbutton your pants, and read away:

Q: I've heard that there are vegan condoms. What exactly is a vegan condom? Why are condoms not vegan?

A: Well, I have to admit that when I heard about vegan condoms, I had no idea what made these condoms special. Like the rest of the general non-vegan public, I hadn't thought about animal cruelty in my protective gear. Here I was, in my little latex bubble, thinking that as long as they weren't Lambskin (yes, they are lamb skin, it's not a clever name) they were vegan friendly. BUT NOOOOOOOOOO, how wrong I was!

Turns out latex condoms often are either

A. made by questionable manufacturers that may or may not use animal testing for their products (make me think of fluffy bunnies wearing Trojans)

B. Use casein (a milk-derivative) in the manufacture of the latex.

Only two condoms are actually approved by the Vegan Society are Condomi's and Glyde's. Of the two, vegan's of America are only entitled to Glyde's. Or so says the FDA.

SO, as you cut into your Tofurkey with tempeh drumsticks (yes, I have been to that meal. And it's GOOD!!!) with the one you love, know that afterwards, you can take your post Thanksgiving nookie to a animal-friendly level too. At least with one condom in the USA.

And for that, I truly give thanks.


Other article available here.

Dying of the plague...

Once again, I find myself sick. Just your run-0f-the-mill snot monster in my head.

HOWEVER

Did you know that sex boosts your immune system? AND can help with headaches??

Keep in mind, researchers are talking about full, healthy sexual relationships. this would include (at least in researchers minds) orgasms. That extra rush of blood, a good dose of sweat, and an orgasm could mobilize the immune system.

Like our own little sex G.I. Joe's!

BUT

Another study found that TOO much sex could weaken the immune system. It could also be symptomatic of an obsessive relationship.

That's other researchers, not me.

So let's wrap it up for today:

Sex: Good for colds and headaches
Orgasm: Like our own little Gen. George Casey (look it up, folks)
Too much sex: A figment of scientists imaginations. Or lucky people who need a vitamin supplement to boost their oversexed bodies.

So, as a good researcher, the question I must ask myself, is....

Am I having too much sex, or not enough??

It's my own little exi-sexu-al crisis!

the question that makes me feel dirty all over...

Q: So, I have this guy I ‘ve been seeing seriously for a few months, and it’s been great, but this cute guy that I was hitting on months ago finally came around and asked for my number. I want to go on the date with him! It’s not that I’m interested in leaving my boyfriend, but I’m just so curious about this other guy! What should I do??


A: It's official. I'm the relationship expert at Cosmo. I'm not quite sure how that happened, but hey, Let's see if I can help.

First let me start by saying I am NOT a relationship expert. Nor do I have a degree in psychology. Nor do I have a desire to.

BUT, I can examine this question from a neuro-chemical perspective.

Let's break it down, sexologist-style. Awwwwww yeah.

*******Gendered answer approaching, proceed with caution***********
girl likes boy.
boy likes girl.

chemistry is a-boppin. things are strong. dopamine is kickin' stronger than heroin.

(see my other article on sexual chemistry)
A few months later, the chemistry that bonds us to each other for mating purposes wane a wee bit. Seratonin kicks up a notch, so we're not as obsessed with the boyfriend as we used to be. (could be a couple months, could be several years, depending on your chemical response to each other)
You start seeing other people.
And by seeing, I mean "oh, look there are other members of the opposite/same sex out there that are really hot.
Now this is where all those philosophers cross my path. We have free will. Free will dictates that you can stop yourself from random encounters with hot guys/girls behind your boy/girlfriends back.
And then, other bonding chemicals (like endorphins) kick in that have to do with attachment, instead of horniness.
SO the real question you need to ask yourself is am I looking for horniness, that initial rush of attraction over and over,


or are you looking to form a chemical attachment to another human being.

It's your call. That free will thing again.

I need to take a shower now...

All hail the vagina puppet!!!

Read All About It!!

Someone has lost their mind enough to let me write for them.

like a column. In a paper.

Present Magazine has asked me to write a column about all things sexual and Kansas City. i have written 4 already, some KC, some not. But it allows me to make this blog question specific again, and my rants to go elsewhere.

SO, if there's something is KC that I need to address, something sexual, something that YOU want covered, let me know.

Don't every be afraid to ask.

I have been a bad, bad girl...

And i'm sure that I have the product to punish me in the store...

I have been neglecting my blog!

But for a good reason folks! WINK is now open, and I am busier than I expected. But keep your questions coming! I know I am WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY behind, but don't stop! I will be back and in full force. I promise.

Or I will dispatch myself with the closest flogger to me.

Until then, you can find me in WINK 6 days a week.

See all of you soon!

Mike certainly isn't Vestal...

Yes, you from the coastal regions, it happens.

Despite being rated the WORST city to date in America, people in the heartland have sex. And lots of it.

And for those who aren't getting laid enough, there's always inappropriate e-mails.

The mayor of Tonganoxie, KS has been outed as an horndog with a crappy sense of humor.

Turns out the guy sent a picture of a naked woman to several men in his office...

along with accidentally forwarding it to a reporter from a local news station.

The best part? Well, it's hard to choose between the naked lady picture, and the inappropriate comment about Martin Luther King Jr. Decisions, decisions.

you can ready more about this gem of a human being here.

Just thought I'd take a break
from store stuff for a second. We are open for business in EXACTLY 7 DAYS!!!!!!

Can you feel the buzz of excitement????

I am typing this one-handed...

I've been waiting to make that joke for a while...


HOWEVER, humor is not without it's price.

While readying the store for opening (which is Sept. 18th!!!!! BE THERE!!!), I learned that tiny women, even if they are yoga teachers, should not attempt to pick up large pieces of wall by themselves. There are wee bits of bone in your hand. Turns out you can dislocate them.
Funny, huh??

But DON'T WORRY!
I will be posting in one form or another. This won't stop me!!!

Who da Ho? Craig's da Ho!

There seem to be lots of "HO"s in Idaho this week. The one below...

Or the one below that...


Here I was all ready to publish my in depth experience into the sexy side of the Motor city, when what should happen , but this guy!! And let me tell you, Sen. Larry Craig is NOT what I want to be talking about. Hell, everyone else on the planet is talking about him. And I have no desire to get in on the action. HOWEVER, when a man has to solicit in a public place for sex...
or their intern pool
(that's Mark Foley if you don't recognize him. And if you have no idea who he is, you should)


Or have an anti-gay voting record, and then come out of the closet.
(that's Spokane Mayor Jim West, y'all)

then I have to take a wee break from fetish wear and have a little fireside chat moment with everyone.

*As i take a moment to fluff my smoking jacket*

We should not try and fight our biology. Never, never, never. It leads to some dark places.

Or in Senator Craig's world, a bathroom stall.
NOW I know that there will be some who think that I am saying serial killers should just go out and kill. BUT you would be big, fat, WRONG-O, my friend.

I feel that people should be able to talk about their desires and urges, that they should be honest. It is illegal in America to lock someone up for being gay. If a serial killer gets help, and reaches out before things go haywire, perhaps all that senseless killing could be avoided.

But back on the gay tip for a moment. Old men should come out of the closet everywhere! i know it's scary to do something that can change your life, but for god's sake, what EXACTLY is the better alternative????

Hell, think about how my parents felt when I told them I wanted to be a sexologist and open a dildo store for women? I would have been more popular is I told them I was an old gay man.

I think that if old gay men would be a little bit more like this one...
ex-New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey

The world would be a better place...

run, little birdies, RUN!!!

Now, I am not a huge fan of pigeons...

BUT

on my recent trip to Hamtramck, MI my friends told me about a lovely plan the city has to reduce the pigeon population.

Say it loud, say it proud.

FORCED
PIGEON
CONTRACEPTION



Yes, the little darlin's will be pecking away at birdseed laced with aviary ortho-trycyclin. Yummy.

And their not the first ones to try it.

And why would I blog about this on my sex question blog??

Because, dear reader, as much as the feathered rats with wings are the bane of many a city park, once a pigeon gets dosed, there's no stopping it from heading up the food chain.

AKA, dead pigeon becomes cat food, cat pees in yard, Down came the rain and washed the pee into the ground...out came the sun....and soon COULD we all could be using contraceptive without even knowing it?

What would the Catholics say then?

I wonder if Margret Atwood was thinking about pigeon contraception when she wrote The Handmaid's Tale?

And who are we to encourage contraception in BIRDS, but tell young women that it's immoral to use it themselves??

Just a thought...

Overheard at dinner....

"I suppose I could write off a Ford F350 to the business, but that would be a LOT of dildos!!!!!"
-me, to my mom. She is *so* proud!!!

Teacher, can I get an extension???

****I must preface this by saying that I drank a red Bull. I drank a Red Bull. I drank a Red Bull. and for those of you who have done this, you know exactly what I mean.*********


Q: you are taking tooo damn long to update your blog. Elizabeth-Hadley, I've got one for you. My boyfriend is a little on the "short" side. Do penis pumps work?

A: I know, I stink. Opening the physical part of WINK is taking up all my valuable sex question-answering time! I will be flogged later. And I promise not to like it.

This is a penis pump. Say "hi" penis pump!

"Hey"

So, Mr. Penis pump, do you work??

"well, that's a tricky question. If your goal is to draw as much blood into your penis as possible, then yes..."

Sort of like a hickey for your penis???

"I was talking here."

Sorry, I just...

"Yeah, well don't interrupt me. It's incredibly rude."

*silence*

"But to answer your question, YES. I am much like an all-over hickey for your penis. I will draw a lot of blood into the shaft, as much as it can take, and then I will stop working."

Ah, I see. So, what if a man is shorter than the average bear? Or thinner?

"Well, Ms. sexologist, I would assume YOU would know that there is no average size or girthwhen it comes to penises. That's just a feeling that men experience because of visuals in contemporary media."

Wow, for a penis pump, you are really smart.

"I went to Harvard."

Really?!

"No, idiot. I'm a penis pump."

right. Good point.

"HOWEVER, for men who feel they need a little extra, they do make products called penis extenders. They look like this:

That's a pretty realistic extender...

"Yeah, that's my cousin. We're pretty proud."

As well you should be.

"the penis extender is a latex condom -like device that rolls over an erect penis and has an inch to two inch mini-dildo tip on the top, thereby extending the penis. It also comes in models that extend the girth of the penis."

can the man attached still feel anything?

"It's like wearing a condom, and some even come with ridges on the inside for his pleasure."

I'm not sure you can say that. It's trademarked by Trojan.

"Screw Trojan. I'm a penis pump."

Alrighty, then. Thank you for coming on our blog here and explaining the difference between a penis pump and an extender.

"It's always great to be here. Oh, and Elizabeth?"

Yes, penis pump?

"Stop drinking Red Bull."

She's BACK!!!

and badder than ever!
(That's me driving...)
I have returned from my sexual exploration of Detroit and Chicago, and have SO much to tell everyone!!! Those were some seriously sexy cities!!

Also on the upcoming radar:

-premature ejaculation DOES NOT exist!!!

-Just what IS a penis extender???

-Pigeon contraception

-The latest sex research from our 7th favorite state, Texas. 'Cause everything's bigger in Texas!!

-My review of sex shops in the Windy and Motor cities...

and SO MUCH MORE!!!

Overheard at dinner...

(Though I am technically on vacation this week, I couldn't resist)

Proving once again that everything is dirtier with me around...


"I played with my Kraken in the bathtub."
-Yes, he was referring to the toy.

Lights....camera....PORNO!!!!!

Q: My partner and I want to make amateur porn, maybe even send it out on the Internet. I had a friend that did it and made 20.00 for a 20 minute video! What do you think???

A: Holy Paris Hilton, Batman!!! Well, as long as you're not a senator with a presidential future, here goes....
*******I am assuming that this is a legal, of-age person. Otherwise....how dare you? People don't think about sex until their 18!! Or so I've been told...************

1. first thing is first. Is this a fantasy that both of you are into? Are you both of legal age? No one wants trouble for what should have been a fun act. Video always leaves a trail. Remember that. Your pervy grade-school chum WILL find you. Trust me, little Petey is now a grown-up perv.

2. After talking to a few failed film majors (like myself), I found out that LIGHTING is EVERYTHING!!! As any woman will tell you, florescent lights are the tool of the devil. So dim 'em, a regular side table light isn't enough. So get creative with the lighting and your camera. do it in advance of feeling hot and frisky, so it doesn't slow you down.

3. For your first foray into the wide wonderful world of porn, stick with someone you know and trust. Remember, you're ostensibly making it for your enjoyment later with them. Do NOT bring in any outsiders. It WILL backfire!!!

4. Is everyone tested for everything under the sun? I mean STI's, not the common cold. Nothing will make your piece of tape bittersweet like a trip down memory lane that make you remember your first bout of Chlamydia.

5. I do not recommend you ever sell your tapes to any websites. All fantasy play is about control. And that's how you lose control. You don't know these people, you don't know what they will do, where you will go. Feeling safe and comfortable is to fantasy like peanut butter is to jelly. Good separate, but great together.

6. Make 2 copies. If the two people involved break up, there must be a pact to destroy both tapes. If one person is being a bastard, the other has a wee bit of leverage. Not that I'm that type of person, but...

7. Now go play! there are so many ways you can have fun with this.

These words came out of MY mouth!!!

"How do you fuck a wall??"

Yes, even sexologists have questions. Really, really easy questions. Asked at dinner parties, in front of lots of close friends.

The answer, is (of course) a dildo with a suction cup on it.

Duh, Elizabeth-Hadley...

Turns out the humility corner is really pretty. Lots of butterflies and a hammock and EVERYTHING!!!

Rimming around those rosy cheeks...

Ahhhhh, nothing makes me happier than starting a week with an anal question...

Q: I went down on my partner and my tongue made it's way to their anus. Now they want me to "go there" all the time. What gives? Is licking someone's butthole safe?"

A: Let me introduce you to your friend the anus... This one is made of chocolate, but you get the idea.

The anus and the (***fancy word for the day alert!!!) perianal region has about a gazillion nerve endings.

I know, very scientific of me...

Here's the thing about those nerve endings. They are very, very, very close to the surface. So a little flick of the tongue, a light touch with a lubed up finger is gonna feel pretty darn good even WITHOUT penetration. Some people thinks it's too intense, and prefer to not be touched there at all.

But if your partner likes is, here's some tips to make it a little more fun for everyone involved.

-As the popular children's book says, Everybody Poops. clean and safe are the words of the day. If your not an enema person (lord knows many people aren't), may I suggest a dental dam for your pleasure? If it's a spur of the moment thing, (and I defer to the grandmother of all sex-perts, Sue Johanson), grab a piece of plastic wrap to keep things clean. The crinkling may throw you off, and be a wee on the funny side, but Sex and laughter is AWESOME!!!

Now let me introduce you to my friend Hepatitis A:
Gnarly looking little guy, huh? And how do you get to host Mr. Hep A? Mouth to poop contact.

Just something to think about. So lick on, my friend, lick on...

And off into the world I go!!

Let the world read this!!

Wi(t)ch hunt shall we go on now?

I had a happy little question about rimming, but then someone was kind enough to send me this link to what is happening just over the state line from where I am.

It's really, really scary.

I'm still trying to find information on this subject, but here's the jist.

1. The National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families has set up shop in my area and has opened a grand jury.

2. The grand jury has been formed to decide what is obscene and what isn't in Jackson, Johnson, and Wyandotte county.

3. They have signed a petition against 32 strip clubs, porn stores, and video stores in the Kansas City metro area.

Now here's my question...

Who are they and what jurisdiction to they have?

On what ground to they get to legislate morality?

And when did witch hunts come back in fashion?!

I respect everyone's right to believe whatever they want, but how do we allow anyone to decide what's moral and what's not? And with morality being a relative idea, why do we decide dildos and porn are wrong in the USA in the 21st century, but not at the turn of the 20th? Or in Europe right now?

I just don't get it.

Back to analingus tomorrow!!!

When is a dildo not a dildo?

Q: What is the difference between dildos and vibrators??

A: Ah, young grasshopper, you have much to learn. And boy howdy, have you come to the right place!!



This is a dildo:
This model, known as the "Randy Purple" is a classic dildo. Notice it's girth. Notice it's fairly stagnant nature. It's pretty straightforward. Grasp firmly, insert in appropriate hole, pull out.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.
REPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAT!!!




Now, this is a vibrator:

Looks a little like our friend Randy, but has the difference of a small motor inside the base, which makes the whole thing buzz.

Now let's make your geometry teacher happy, shall we?




This is a Ven Diagram:

Let's say the right circle is vibrators, and the left side is dildos. Sometimes, a vibrator can be dildo shaped, but sometimes it's not.




Sometimes it looks like this:




Or this:


and PLEASE don't try and stick this up in ya:

So kids. Here's what we've learned.
1. Sometimes a dildo is just a dildo.
2. Sometimes it can be a vibrator as well.
3. But sometimes a vibrator is NOT dildo-shaped.
4. Geometry IS helpful!!!
5. Your geometry teacher would faint right now if they knew what you were doing.

This week is catch up on questions. So look for lots of updates!!!!