Thursday, August 16, 2007

Teacher, can I get an extension???

****I must preface this by saying that I drank a red Bull. I drank a Red Bull. I drank a Red Bull. and for those of you who have done this, you know exactly what I mean.*********

Q: you are taking tooo damn long to update your blog. Elizabeth-Hadley, I've got one for you. My boyfriend is a little on the "short" side. Do penis pumps work?

A: I know, I stink. Opening the physical part of WINK is taking up all my valuable sex question-answering time! I will be flogged later. And I promise not to like it.

This is a penis pump. Say "hi" penis pump!


So, Mr. Penis pump, do you work??

"well, that's a tricky question. If your goal is to draw as much blood into your penis as possible, then yes..."

Sort of like a hickey for your penis???

"I was talking here."

Sorry, I just...

"Yeah, well don't interrupt me. It's incredibly rude."


"But to answer your question, YES. I am much like an all-over hickey for your penis. I will draw a lot of blood into the shaft, as much as it can take, and then I will stop working."

Ah, I see. So, what if a man is shorter than the average bear? Or thinner?

"Well, Ms. sexologist, I would assume YOU would know that there is no average size or girthwhen it comes to penises. That's just a feeling that men experience because of visuals in contemporary media."

Wow, for a penis pump, you are really smart.

"I went to Harvard."


"No, idiot. I'm a penis pump."

right. Good point.

"HOWEVER, for men who feel they need a little extra, they do make products called penis extenders. They look like this:

That's a pretty realistic extender...

"Yeah, that's my cousin. We're pretty proud."

As well you should be.

"the penis extender is a latex condom -like device that rolls over an erect penis and has an inch to two inch mini-dildo tip on the top, thereby extending the penis. It also comes in models that extend the girth of the penis."

can the man attached still feel anything?

"It's like wearing a condom, and some even come with ridges on the inside for his pleasure."

I'm not sure you can say that. It's trademarked by Trojan.

"Screw Trojan. I'm a penis pump."

Alrighty, then. Thank you for coming on our blog here and explaining the difference between a penis pump and an extender.

"It's always great to be here. Oh, and Elizabeth?"

Yes, penis pump?

"Stop drinking Red Bull."