Who da Ho? Craig's da Ho!

There seem to be lots of "HO"s in Idaho this week. The one below...

Or the one below that...


Here I was all ready to publish my in depth experience into the sexy side of the Motor city, when what should happen , but this guy!! And let me tell you, Sen. Larry Craig is NOT what I want to be talking about. Hell, everyone else on the planet is talking about him. And I have no desire to get in on the action. HOWEVER, when a man has to solicit in a public place for sex...
or their intern pool
(that's Mark Foley if you don't recognize him. And if you have no idea who he is, you should)


Or have an anti-gay voting record, and then come out of the closet.
(that's Spokane Mayor Jim West, y'all)

then I have to take a wee break from fetish wear and have a little fireside chat moment with everyone.

*As i take a moment to fluff my smoking jacket*

We should not try and fight our biology. Never, never, never. It leads to some dark places.

Or in Senator Craig's world, a bathroom stall.
NOW I know that there will be some who think that I am saying serial killers should just go out and kill. BUT you would be big, fat, WRONG-O, my friend.

I feel that people should be able to talk about their desires and urges, that they should be honest. It is illegal in America to lock someone up for being gay. If a serial killer gets help, and reaches out before things go haywire, perhaps all that senseless killing could be avoided.

But back on the gay tip for a moment. Old men should come out of the closet everywhere! i know it's scary to do something that can change your life, but for god's sake, what EXACTLY is the better alternative????

Hell, think about how my parents felt when I told them I wanted to be a sexologist and open a dildo store for women? I would have been more popular is I told them I was an old gay man.

I think that if old gay men would be a little bit more like this one...
ex-New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey

The world would be a better place...

run, little birdies, RUN!!!

Now, I am not a huge fan of pigeons...

BUT

on my recent trip to Hamtramck, MI my friends told me about a lovely plan the city has to reduce the pigeon population.

Say it loud, say it proud.

FORCED
PIGEON
CONTRACEPTION



Yes, the little darlin's will be pecking away at birdseed laced with aviary ortho-trycyclin. Yummy.

And their not the first ones to try it.

And why would I blog about this on my sex question blog??

Because, dear reader, as much as the feathered rats with wings are the bane of many a city park, once a pigeon gets dosed, there's no stopping it from heading up the food chain.

AKA, dead pigeon becomes cat food, cat pees in yard, Down came the rain and washed the pee into the ground...out came the sun....and soon COULD we all could be using contraceptive without even knowing it?

What would the Catholics say then?

I wonder if Margret Atwood was thinking about pigeon contraception when she wrote The Handmaid's Tale?

And who are we to encourage contraception in BIRDS, but tell young women that it's immoral to use it themselves??

Just a thought...

Overheard at dinner....

"I suppose I could write off a Ford F350 to the business, but that would be a LOT of dildos!!!!!"
-me, to my mom. She is *so* proud!!!

Teacher, can I get an extension???

****I must preface this by saying that I drank a red Bull. I drank a Red Bull. I drank a Red Bull. and for those of you who have done this, you know exactly what I mean.*********


Q: you are taking tooo damn long to update your blog. Elizabeth-Hadley, I've got one for you. My boyfriend is a little on the "short" side. Do penis pumps work?

A: I know, I stink. Opening the physical part of WINK is taking up all my valuable sex question-answering time! I will be flogged later. And I promise not to like it.

This is a penis pump. Say "hi" penis pump!

"Hey"

So, Mr. Penis pump, do you work??

"well, that's a tricky question. If your goal is to draw as much blood into your penis as possible, then yes..."

Sort of like a hickey for your penis???

"I was talking here."

Sorry, I just...

"Yeah, well don't interrupt me. It's incredibly rude."

*silence*

"But to answer your question, YES. I am much like an all-over hickey for your penis. I will draw a lot of blood into the shaft, as much as it can take, and then I will stop working."

Ah, I see. So, what if a man is shorter than the average bear? Or thinner?

"Well, Ms. sexologist, I would assume YOU would know that there is no average size or girthwhen it comes to penises. That's just a feeling that men experience because of visuals in contemporary media."

Wow, for a penis pump, you are really smart.

"I went to Harvard."

Really?!

"No, idiot. I'm a penis pump."

right. Good point.

"HOWEVER, for men who feel they need a little extra, they do make products called penis extenders. They look like this:

That's a pretty realistic extender...

"Yeah, that's my cousin. We're pretty proud."

As well you should be.

"the penis extender is a latex condom -like device that rolls over an erect penis and has an inch to two inch mini-dildo tip on the top, thereby extending the penis. It also comes in models that extend the girth of the penis."

can the man attached still feel anything?

"It's like wearing a condom, and some even come with ridges on the inside for his pleasure."

I'm not sure you can say that. It's trademarked by Trojan.

"Screw Trojan. I'm a penis pump."

Alrighty, then. Thank you for coming on our blog here and explaining the difference between a penis pump and an extender.

"It's always great to be here. Oh, and Elizabeth?"

Yes, penis pump?

"Stop drinking Red Bull."

She's BACK!!!

and badder than ever!
(That's me driving...)
I have returned from my sexual exploration of Detroit and Chicago, and have SO much to tell everyone!!! Those were some seriously sexy cities!!

Also on the upcoming radar:

-premature ejaculation DOES NOT exist!!!

-Just what IS a penis extender???

-Pigeon contraception

-The latest sex research from our 7th favorite state, Texas. 'Cause everything's bigger in Texas!!

-My review of sex shops in the Windy and Motor cities...

and SO MUCH MORE!!!

Overheard at dinner...

(Though I am technically on vacation this week, I couldn't resist)

Proving once again that everything is dirtier with me around...


"I played with my Kraken in the bathtub."
-Yes, he was referring to the toy.

Lights....camera....PORNO!!!!!

Q: My partner and I want to make amateur porn, maybe even send it out on the Internet. I had a friend that did it and made 20.00 for a 20 minute video! What do you think???

A: Holy Paris Hilton, Batman!!! Well, as long as you're not a senator with a presidential future, here goes....
*******I am assuming that this is a legal, of-age person. Otherwise....how dare you? People don't think about sex until their 18!! Or so I've been told...************

1. first thing is first. Is this a fantasy that both of you are into? Are you both of legal age? No one wants trouble for what should have been a fun act. Video always leaves a trail. Remember that. Your pervy grade-school chum WILL find you. Trust me, little Petey is now a grown-up perv.

2. After talking to a few failed film majors (like myself), I found out that LIGHTING is EVERYTHING!!! As any woman will tell you, florescent lights are the tool of the devil. So dim 'em, a regular side table light isn't enough. So get creative with the lighting and your camera. do it in advance of feeling hot and frisky, so it doesn't slow you down.

3. For your first foray into the wide wonderful world of porn, stick with someone you know and trust. Remember, you're ostensibly making it for your enjoyment later with them. Do NOT bring in any outsiders. It WILL backfire!!!

4. Is everyone tested for everything under the sun? I mean STI's, not the common cold. Nothing will make your piece of tape bittersweet like a trip down memory lane that make you remember your first bout of Chlamydia.

5. I do not recommend you ever sell your tapes to any websites. All fantasy play is about control. And that's how you lose control. You don't know these people, you don't know what they will do, where you will go. Feeling safe and comfortable is to fantasy like peanut butter is to jelly. Good separate, but great together.

6. Make 2 copies. If the two people involved break up, there must be a pact to destroy both tapes. If one person is being a bastard, the other has a wee bit of leverage. Not that I'm that type of person, but...

7. Now go play! there are so many ways you can have fun with this.

These words came out of MY mouth!!!

"How do you fuck a wall??"

Yes, even sexologists have questions. Really, really easy questions. Asked at dinner parties, in front of lots of close friends.

The answer, is (of course) a dildo with a suction cup on it.

Duh, Elizabeth-Hadley...

Turns out the humility corner is really pretty. Lots of butterflies and a hammock and EVERYTHING!!!

Rimming around those rosy cheeks...

Ahhhhh, nothing makes me happier than starting a week with an anal question...

Q: I went down on my partner and my tongue made it's way to their anus. Now they want me to "go there" all the time. What gives? Is licking someone's butthole safe?"

A: Let me introduce you to your friend the anus... This one is made of chocolate, but you get the idea.

The anus and the (***fancy word for the day alert!!!) perianal region has about a gazillion nerve endings.

I know, very scientific of me...

Here's the thing about those nerve endings. They are very, very, very close to the surface. So a little flick of the tongue, a light touch with a lubed up finger is gonna feel pretty darn good even WITHOUT penetration. Some people thinks it's too intense, and prefer to not be touched there at all.

But if your partner likes is, here's some tips to make it a little more fun for everyone involved.

-As the popular children's book says, Everybody Poops. clean and safe are the words of the day. If your not an enema person (lord knows many people aren't), may I suggest a dental dam for your pleasure? If it's a spur of the moment thing, (and I defer to the grandmother of all sex-perts, Sue Johanson), grab a piece of plastic wrap to keep things clean. The crinkling may throw you off, and be a wee on the funny side, but Sex and laughter is AWESOME!!!

Now let me introduce you to my friend Hepatitis A:
Gnarly looking little guy, huh? And how do you get to host Mr. Hep A? Mouth to poop contact.

Just something to think about. So lick on, my friend, lick on...

And off into the world I go!!

Let the world read this!!

Wi(t)ch hunt shall we go on now?

I had a happy little question about rimming, but then someone was kind enough to send me this link to what is happening just over the state line from where I am.

It's really, really scary.

I'm still trying to find information on this subject, but here's the jist.

1. The National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families has set up shop in my area and has opened a grand jury.

2. The grand jury has been formed to decide what is obscene and what isn't in Jackson, Johnson, and Wyandotte county.

3. They have signed a petition against 32 strip clubs, porn stores, and video stores in the Kansas City metro area.

Now here's my question...

Who are they and what jurisdiction to they have?

On what ground to they get to legislate morality?

And when did witch hunts come back in fashion?!

I respect everyone's right to believe whatever they want, but how do we allow anyone to decide what's moral and what's not? And with morality being a relative idea, why do we decide dildos and porn are wrong in the USA in the 21st century, but not at the turn of the 20th? Or in Europe right now?

I just don't get it.

Back to analingus tomorrow!!!